So this is a night when I just want to whine and moan and bitch about more or less anything and everything. I feel like a whimsical, selfish asshole with absolutely no sense of direction and the only thing that's actually good in all that mess is that I'm actually not feeling guilty about feeling selfish for once.
I want to move out, into an apartment of my own. I want to be living by myself, alone, for a while - a long while. It's not that I don't like staying with my parents but I really need to get my own place. My own space. A space where I can do what the hell I want without bothering - because it's MY mess, because it's MY fucking space, where I mind my own business and no one can say that I can't do this and that. A place where I don't have to be considerate of anyone but myself (except neighbours. I won't get rid of those I imagine). I think that a lot of the chaos I'm in now will still and be sorted if I just manage to get myself a place of my own.
So why don't I just pack my things and go? End this bitching and whining? Well, I got to know where the hell to pack and go first, right? I have no idea about where I'm suppose to be heading as it is. Örebro, or staying in Gothenburg, I have no idea! One moment I want A, the next I want B, the next I'm thinking about whether or not I can combine the two, and next yet again I want to go on a completely different track and move to somewhere completely random. 
It's times like these that I really believe the things the say about Gemini's. That fleeting interest, always wanting to move around, never settling down, always looking elsewhere... The uncertainties, the difficulties to decide. At the same time I know better than blaming the star under which I was born for me being whimsy and impulsive. However, I'm getting more and more tired of feeling guilty for being impulsive and whimsy so I'm gonna try and stop it. It's just who I am, and I'm probably going to feel better if I just accept it.
I'm also going to feel a lot better if I just accepted that some things are what they are, and that I don't have to be an elite in everything I do. It's alright that I'm not the new Picasso, Kreuger or Van Gogh, and it's okay that I'm not a great author in the same league as Mankell, Tolkien or McDermid. It's completely okay that I have a gazillion interests and because of that doesn't stand out that much in one or two of them. I AM good at drawing and painting, I AM a good writer. I can always get better, and I am fighting for it, but it's not my main goal in life to be famous and it's not my main goal to be the best artist before I'm 30 (which would be in five years, for those of you who might not know). At the end of the day I just want to feel good about myself, and as it is now I'm not. I'm not feeling good about myself because in one way or another I always feel guilty for something, and I've got to let that go.
I am allowed to be who I am.
I am allowed to enjoy what I enjoy.
I am allowed to say no if there is something I don't want, need or wish for.
My interests are hobbies, which I would love to develop further, yes, but my entire world doesn't revolve around it. I don't want my entire world to circle around it, especially not because I force it to. If my world happens to start spinning around something in particular I will cherish it, but I don't want to force myself to devote myself to something which I do not burn - until I start to burn for it. It's nothing wrong with that. And that I need to realise. And accept.
Right now it feels like I'm steering my life into a slope. A huge slope - a crater - from which it'll be hell to get back up from. It's not emotional; emotionally I'm feeling better than ever (sort of), but my situation is spiralling downhill, and I need to step off and think for a moment, gain perspectives and hopefully see some sense and some light at the end of the tunnel. 
It's obvious that I'm not... the best. That I'm lacking in a whole lot of areas, in personality as well as skill, but I'm not a perfect being. I can never become the perfect person, and I have to understand, in my heart, that that's okay. Because right now I don't. Right now I think I need to be this perfect person that always comes up with great ideas, is bright and bubbly, splurt out tons and tons of perfectly written texts or perfect paintings and drawings - everything has to be impeccable. For everyone else's sake. Not mine: Theirs. And that's just wrong.
Now I'm going to go to sleep and tomorrow is a brand new day. 
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, a wonderful summer, a wonderful year, and a great, wonderful, long, happy life.
Ato de, minna <3


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